warning! hotel freak: uncensored advice from a neurotic pov.
Don’t say we didn’t warn you!…
If you’re on tour you’ve no doubt anticipated the fleeting hours of a day off, the day’s adventure or lack thereof, or simply the solitude of your own hotel room where you may find solace from the unavoidable and unescapable babble, body odors, and bacteria that is our life on a tour bus. This alleviation is hardly ever more prevalent and crucial when one contracts a sickness or virus away from home. Hotel rooms can be a temporary wonderland for many of you who tour throughout the year and especially if you’re a person who doesn’t.
Hotel rooms can also be an inconspicuous horror show of what took place hours before you swipe your key card and move in, completely oblivious of the prior tenants use or abuse. It would take a hazmat crew days for decontamination, disinfection & sanitizing yet most housekeeping is allotted approximately 30 minutes to ready the average hotel room for the next guest, many without the proper or prudent tools of the trade.
-Don’t assume the beds’ comforter hasn’t been soiled or sat on by naked people, It Has.
-Don’t assume the Televisions’ remote control is free of germs and E.coli, It Isn’t.
-Don’t assume because there is a paper on top of the bathroom drinking glass’s that these things actually have been sanitized, they most likely haven’t ever left that room.
I’m not suggesting that you should clean your hotel room yourself, fuck that… not on my day off. Rather, follow some simple steps to reduce your exposure to the debauchery of the previous day, the week before that, and the years before that. Once you get this routine down it usually takes under 10 minutes to complete this neurotic process.
First Things First,
Hotel Room Air!!!
If you’re fortunate to get a hotel room with a window that opens, let the fresh air flow with the front door open and the room fan a blazing.
These luggage racks never work for me, too small and too low,
Solution: Use the Ironing board…
No bending, easier to access, better stability than the tiny luggage rack.
Use the smaller luggage rack, in a nook of the room, for Small Bags and Backpacks etc.
THE “JACK-OFF” CHAIR
Would you sit in a chair that someone jacked themselves off or sat in naked an hour earlier?
Solution: Use the hotel bathrobe to cover the chair.
Hotel bathrobes fit perfectly as a chair cover. You can also use an extra bath towel of which can be found in unlimited amounts from Housekeeping. Just ask and you shall receive.
The same “Jackoff” probably watched a bit of tele so the TV remote can not be trusted to be sperm free let alone germ and E.coli free.
Solution: Always travel with a ziplock bag!!!
Put the remote in a ziplock bag. The television remote will still work as usual and eliminate the transfer of just about everything. (Just think about being sick with the flu or a virus and all you have energy to do is flip around the channels holding the remote control for hours.)
Make the most out of movie/computer time by utilizing the TV HDMI inputs. Bring a light weight HDMI cable with you always. This way you can watch Netflix, computer movies, or whatever and still have full access to the internet on your computer.
Sometimes the desk input bays work and sometimes you have to access the back of the TV itself.
Insert HDMI cable from your computer to the TV and select the proper source…Movie Time!!! (Deselect ‘monitor mirroring’ in ‘preferences’ to utilize your computer while streaming on the television.)
THE DESK or THE DESEX
Cover the desk with a bath towel if you plan to eat or work on it.
for people who use hotels as a place away from home to fuck or engage in acts of perversion not encouraged elsewhere… the desk, bathroom counter, and the sofa are widely used surfaces for such alternatives to the bed. Personally, having gone a few shades darker, the closet isn’t even off-limits.
The Convenient Coffee Maker/Hot Water Kettle…
Before you make yourself coffee or use that kettle, do a few test runs before you use them. Pour a cup of tap water through the coffee maker without using a k-cup or coffee packet. From experience, it takes about 3 clean brewing cycles to produce a clear cup of hot water.
Make Room for Activities…
Yoga, in-room workouts, stretching, etc. Arrange furniture for maximum space.
Use the heavy ass comforter, yes the one that hardly ever gets changed, for an awesome yoga mat, workout area.
Regular blankets can sometimes be found in a drawer or closet or ask housekeeping to bring you a regular blanket(s) for sleeping. Usually, getting fresh linens, towels, and blankets directly from housekeeping reduce the chance that they have been previously used without being washed.
While you’re at it, check for bedbugs and put the less heavy blanket on the bed.
Who knows what is in or on that room carpet? Another blanket may be used as a carpet. Now you have wall to wall coverage for your feet.
Believe it or not, many times the pillow cases are not changed as well as the comforter or bedspread. Bring your own pillow case for piece of mind and a seemingly familiar place to lay your head.
Don’t assume it’s really been “Sanitized for your Protection”. This is where shower shoes, flip-flops, or hotel slippers are essential. Proper foot attire will lessen your exposure to athletes foot in the shower, improperly cleaned bathroom floors, and crusty carpets throughout the hotel. Be sure not to walk on your wall to wall blankets with your contaminated bathroom foot attire.
Keep personals off the counter
and sanitize or wash the drinking glasses if you plan to use them.
Better yet, grab a plastic cup(s) off the bus and eliminate the hotel drinking glasses all together.
If you plan to smoke, don’t get busted.
Test the vent to make sure you have proper suction from the bathroom vent by using a tissue. If it sticks…you’re good to go.
For extra measure… Make a small smoke catcher, use magazine pages, around the vent and smoke as close as you can to the vent.
Use a glass filled with a little water for extinguishing your smoking object and then flush down the toilet immediately.
Make sure to wipe up any fallen ashes!!! Caution…Some hotel vents carry air from your room and release it in the hallway. (Such as a very old and historic hotels) Such nefarious actions, once upon a time, led to every room on the floor to be bothered by security. My room was first to be checked and passed using the technics given, yet I did feel a bit sorry for the rest of the floor being disturbed by security.
In the morning before you leave, Steam up the bathroom, spray cologne, deodorant, or Ozium and make the house keeper a strong cup of coffee or two and place it in the bathroom to mask any residual smoke smell. Turn the thermostat on high fan/low temperature and leave the DND sign on the door to allow maximum time before housekeeping arrives.
I also encourage leaving housekeeping a tip. That wonderful gesture of monetary gratuity might just convince that particular housekeeper to look the other way incase you failed or be more inclined to return a forgotten item accidentally left in the room.
Remember, “Rooms are not ready yet” means that you’re guaranteed a room that someone has just vacated. At times, housekeeping works at a furious pace to have 50 rooms ready at check-in time leaving very little time for proper cleaning. We’ve all checked into a room and found some remnants of hotel guest past, now imagine the remnants that you can’t see. As a longtime member of the touring class I have either been part of or been privy to many jaw-dropping hotel room escapades most involving bodily fluids and external fluids all of which remain in the room long after check out.
These events vaguely depicted in this article are not myths nor exaggeration, wicked shit does happen in hotel rooms. Again, everyone has their own threshold of neurosis, limits of denial, and levels of complacency to live by.
So, Check on in, make yourself at home, and do what you do when nobody’s looking.
Just like the people before you and the people after you.
It is what it is.
It is what I make it to be.